Love+and+Logic+Parenting+Tip

It came from the backseat. It crept up while we were on the phone. It wasn't a monster, but something much more menacing - kids arguing.

Have you noticed that kids pick the worst times to start bickering? Few things can be as annoying or draining for parents. What options do we have when kids argue with each other? How about: What statements can we make in these situations to help keep the problem of arguing on the kids' shoulders where that problem belongs?
 * Whether we are physically present to hear it or not?
 * How much we charge to listen to it?
 * How we react?
 * What we model?

Some parents try this one:

"It sounds like you guys are having a problem - and it will be interesting to see how you solve it."

And if they don't solve it?

Parents can solve the problem - perhaps by "charging" the kids something to put back the energy it took to listen to that fighting. Some parents charge $1 per minute to listen to arguing in the car (or other situations in which the parent can't "escape"). Other parents charge by offering some of their own chores for the children to accomplish to put back the drained energy.

Many parents using Love and Logic techniques have success empowering their kids to solve problems and resolve conflicts (on their own) rather than reacting with anger and frustration in the moment. And when the kids don't resolve things wisely, it costs them something.

You can hear more great ideas for sibling arguing and bickering in Dr. Charles Fay's fun CD, Sibling Rivalry.

 Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.

Jedd Hafer

Phil, a recent business school graduate, got his dream job. He did so well that he was invited to a retreat with the big shots of the company. Not only did he get to attend, but he also had a chance to rub elbows with the top man, the CEO of the company.

Almost jittery, he approached his idol, “Sir, I was told that I could ask you a question, and what I want to ask is what does it take to become as successful as you are?” “Well, young man. Success like mine takes a whole series of good decisions.” “Oh, sir, I’m sure that’s true, but what does it take to make those good decisions?” “Well, here’s the hard part, son,” the older man responded with pride. “It takes wisdom.” “Oh, thank you, sir. But that creates a burning question for me. How do you acquire such wisdom?” “Bad decisions, son. It takes a whole lot of bad decisions. Wisdom comes from learning from your mistakes.”

In 1977 I first started writing about Helicopter Parents. These parents carried the heavy burden of swooping in to rescue their kids from any mistake, disappointment, or struggle. Out of love they were crippling their children by stealing away their opportunities to gain wisdom and resilience.

What I am seeing now is a much worse. This problem has almost reached epidemic proportions with parents trying to create a perfect life for their kids. Little do they know that their children won’t be able to maintain that great life if they have not prepared for it by having to deal with their own little problems early in life.

The authors of Love and Logic meet many parents who are afraid for their kids to make those poor decisions needed to gain wisdom. I hope you are not one of those parents. But if you are, this gentle reminder comes from my heart. Bruised knees and bruised emotions are the building blocks of wisdom and personal strength. Don’t steal that from the kids you love so much.

Listen to my most popular audio CD, Helicopters, Drill Sergeants, and Consultants, for some laughs and solutions to this tempting parenting style.

 Thanks for reading!

Jim Fay

11-9-11 When Kids Get Defiant "I'm not doing that! You can't make me!" Have you ever heard this from a student…or your child at home? Success in this situation rests entirely on resisting the urge to rely on power and coercion to force kids to do what we want. Listed below are some tips: Sidestep the power-struggle by delaying the consequence. It's okay to let children think they've gotten away with something in the short-term…if that'll buy you time to handle it well in the long-term. Calmly say, "No problem. I love you (or respect you) too much to fight with you about this. I'll take care of it." Put together a workable plan. Get some help from other adults if you need their ideas or support. Allow empathy and logical consequences to do the teaching. One mother commented: My teenager refused to do the simple housework chores I asked her to do. Instead of fighting with her, I simply told her that I loved her too much to fight with her and that I would take care of them. I hired a professional housekeeping service to do it for her. Then I taped the bill to her bedroom door. She refused to pay the bill, so I had another chance to say, "I love you too much to fight with you about this. I'll take care of it." Later that week I calmly said to her, "This is so sad. Do you remember that new outfit you wanted? I had to use that money to pay the housekeeping service." This mother understood that sometimes we have to allow kids to be upset in the short-term…so they can learn to lead happy and responsible lives in the long-term. Dr. Charles Fay

9-28-11 Alternatives to Saying No When I advise parents about saying "no," I tell them the same thing I tell adolescents who might be considering some self-destructive act: "You can always do that, so let's try other things first." Give a choice and imply consequences: "Gee, I don't think that is a very good decision and I'm pretty sure it might work out poorly for you." Suggest an alternative behavior without ordering it: "I think that if I were in your shoes, I would probably change my tone of voice rather than being asked to leave." Ask for illumination (without using a witness stand tone of voice): "I've always wondered about what leads kids to be obnoxious. Can you help me understand that?" Give a direct question: "How do you think this is going to work out for you?" Remember, Love and Logic has nothing against telling a kid "no." However, that means the response has not been clearly thought through. If we can say something that gets the kid to make his own decision, we are further ahead. Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, [|__forward it to a friend.__] Dr. Foster Cline

9-21-11 Motivating our Kids to Try Has someone ever said to you, "Just try it, it's easy!" and then you found-out the task they coaxed you into trying was painfully difficult? Did this leave you feeling exceptionally capable or downright stupid…and embarrassed? When this happens to the average adult, it doesn't take long for them to conclude two things: This person who's trying to help me is nuts…and definitely not to be trusted! Why should I try if I can't even handle the easy stuff? Quite frequently I overhear well-meaning parents and educators using the "Just try it, it's easy!" approach in an attempt to urge a reluctant child into trying something they're afraid of. When the child finds the task easy, all is right with the world. When they don't, they're confronted with the pain of seeing that they might be so slow that they can't even do something really, really "easy"! How often does this need to happen before our kids lose faith in our word? How often does this have to happen before our children lose faith in their own abilities? Are you willing to take this sort of risk with your kids? In my book, [|//__From Bad Grades to a Great Life!__//] , I teach a far safer approach. Experiment with asking your child: A lot of kids find this kind of challenging. Would you try this and let me know what you think? If you hear, "It's too hard. I can't do it," smile, pat them on the back and ask: Aren't you glad that I don't believe that? "Aren't you glad that I don't believe that?" represents an exceptionally powerful way of communicating to your children that they have what it takes to succeed. Delivered in question format its effectiveness becomes supercharged. Remember: Questions create thinking. Statements create resistance. You may also experiment with asking another question: And…aren't you glad that I'm going to love you the same even if you have to work really hard to figure this out? Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, [|__forward it to a friend.__] Dr. Charles Fay

Choices are magic!

My grandson, Ferris, was bemoaning the amount of homework he had to do in kindergarten. Frankly, I think the kid had a point. What ever happened to childhood? Anyway, Ferris was sort of tripping over the line from protest into rebellion: "I'm just not going to do this homework. It's too much! I quit." My son put his hand on his child's shoulder and said, "I understand, Ferris. Just go in tomorrow and tell your teacher it was too much and that you decided to quit." And then my son and I walked off. About twenty minutes later we passed the dining room table again and Ferris was hard at work on his homework. It was almost completed. And my son, with a grin, said to me, "Dad, this Love and Logic stuff is just too easy." Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.

Dr. Foster Cline

3-9-11

You already know that when kids cry "Not fair!" they aren’t judging our fairness by some objective standard. They’re just trying to get us to give in. Fortunately, you also know that Love and Logic teaches us how to avoid getting "hooked" into these debates.

The less we think, and the fewer words we use, the less likely we'll get pulled into epic arguments with our kids. Love and Logic parents and educators around the world have had great results going "brain dead" when kids begin to whine, "Not fair!" This allows them to avoid saying what they'd like to say (e.g., "Well it's about time you learned that life isn't fair! How many times do I need to tell you…?"), and provide a calm and respectful "I love (or respect) you too much to argue" instead. Lecturing our kids doesn't really teach them to accept the occasional "un-fair-ness" of life. Despite centuries of parents attempting this, their offspring have still had to learn this the hard way—through experience with the world. Kids are far more likely to learn how to gracefully accept frustrations and disappointments when we stop trying to convince them that life is fair, and begin allowing them simply to experience the good, the bad and the ugly aspects of real life. Too frequently, loving and fair parents try way too hard to be fair, and to defend themselves when their kids complain. When they do, they send the unrealistic message that somehow life really can be fair—at least if you argue and manipulate enough. Instead of falling into this trap, experiment with going "brain dead" and repeating, "I love you too much to argue." It'll make them mad in the short-term and a whole lot more respectful in the long-term.

3-2-11 Poison Alert

Mom and Dad watched as their one-year-old son crawled around the floor of Marv Mozzarella's House of Fun. They noticed that little Carlton had found some tasty lead paint chips on the floor. Ma and Pa really wanted to do something. The chips were bad for their boy, but the other parents were letting //their// kids eat them. Could something so widespread and readily available //really// be that bad? While most parents aren't sitting around letting their kids eat lead paint, too many of them let poison ooze into their homes via their television sets. This toxic waste, represented by explicit violence and sexual images, is being beamed into millions of homes via satellite and cable. Just like poison, these images may not cause immediate death, however, the toxic effects do accumulate and cause certain harm to body, mind, and spirit. Study after study has shown the horrific effects of exposure to sex and violence: Kids become desensitized, lose their ability to experience empathy, and fail to develop healthy cause-effect thinking. At Love and Logic, we believe that children learn to make good decisions about big and important matters by making plenty of poor decisions about small matters, and experiencing empathy and logical consequences from the adults in their lives. As a result, we believe that wise parents allow their children to make plenty of affordable mistakes.

Watching sex and violence on television is not an "affordable mistake."

Watching explicit trash on MTV is akin to dumpster diving.

As adults, we can remember that we have control over whether we make it easy for children to ingest poison within our homes. Smart folks don't leave pesticides within reach of their toddlers. Smart folks also call their cable or satellite providers and cancel the programming that brings sex and violence into their homes. Others decide to password protect the explicit channels. Best of all, the wisest parents engage in plenty of loving conversations with their youngsters about the fact that the human mind resembles a computer: Garbage in, garbage out.

Responding to Bad Grades 3-31-10 Because there is so much at stake - and because we often feel like our children's grades reflect on our parental abilities - it's tough to stay calm and collected when our youngsters earn bad ones. Another factor making this subject so emotion-laden is its complexity. I've come to believe that the art and science of motivating children to do well in school is one of the most complicated and challenging known to humankind. Fortunately, there are a handful of relatively simple and very powerful truths regarding this topic: When anger and frustration are present, motivation goes down. Experiment with saying, "I love you, and I bet these grades are really disappointing. Let me know how I can help."When control battles erupt, learning stops. This is why it's so important to say, "I will love you regardless of how happy or sad you make your own life. You need to decide what type of life to make for yourself." We can't make another person learn and achieve. All we can do is be good role models and provide help when they are interested. Positive relationships are highly motivating. When kids feel loved, they are always more likely to do well in school. Character serves as the foundation for success. Without good values and morals, kids will never reach their potential. Over the past thirty years, we've seen case after case of parents who've decided to stop fighting with their children over grades. With the energy left over they began to rebuild the relationship and focus on raising good kids with great character. We've never had a parent tell us that they were sorry that they made this choice.

Teaching Kids to Wait 3/24/10 Have you ever met an impatient adult who demanded to be served without ever having to wait? As a teenager and young adult, I worked a few restaurant jobs where I //really// got to see the long-term results of poor parenting in some of our impatient patrons. Years later as a psychologist, I met many couples whose on-going marital conflict had a lot to do with the fact that they never learned to delay gratification as kids. On the highways of life, how many times do we see impatient people risk their lives - and the lives of many others - by trying to get just one car length ahead? Are you giving your kids enough practice waiting? Or, have you fallen into the habit of serving them quickly to avoid a fit? Using behavioral conditioning, many children train their parents to jump to their every whim. They do this by gradually increasing the frequency and intensity of the punishment they provide when their parents don't move fast enough to meet their demands. As you well know, this "punishment" comes in the form of constantly repeating the same demand, whining, yelling, screaming, or even hitting. Wise parents avoid this trap by setting solid limits:

//I'll get that for you after I've seen you wait patiently.// //I do things for kids who aren't being pushy and demanding.// //You may have that when you've earned it.//

Wise parents also remember:

The more I appease my child when he is young, the nastier and unhappier he will be as an adult.

If your kids have already become a bit too demanding and argumentative, learn how to put an end to this manipulation by reading [|//__Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Leave You Speechless.__//] Thanks for reading! Dr. Charles Fay

The Power of a Quiet Voice-March 10, 2010

When your kids act-up, does your voice get louder or quieter? When I'm having a good day - and I'm practicing what I preach - my voice gets softer. From years of observing successful parents and educators, I learned the value of leaning close to a child's ear and whispering a question:

Are you going to settle down, or do you need to spend some time in your room? Can you use a quiet voice in here or would it be best for you eat outside so you can yell? Do you think you can play with that nicely, instead of hitting your brother with it? There's true power in the quiet voice! In my CD, [|//__Oh Great! What do I do Now?__//], I teach the importance of making discipline look easy, even when our kids are taking limit-testing to the limit. When we can handle things with a whisper, our kids begin to reason, "Wow! If mom handled me that easily, what else does she have up her sleeve?" While there are times when it's appropriate to raise our voices a bit, doing it too often trains our children to respond only when we're flexing our vocal cords. I don't know about you, but this wears me out! I think I'd rather whisper and then prove to my kids that I'll follow-up with actions rather than words. I heard this example from a Love and Logic dad:

Last week I whispered to my four-year-old, "You may keep the toys you pick up." That afternoon, I picked up the ones he left out, put them in the attic, and kept my mouth shut. Yesterday, I whispered the same thing, and he yelled, "No! I'll pick them up!" And he did! Thanks for reading! Dr. Charles Fay

October 21, 2009

Kids Who Trick Their Parents

Some kids trick us into thinking that poor parenting practices work. These sweet, docile youngsters almost always behave, even when we've fallen into habits such as lecturing, threatening or rescuing. Before long…if we're unfortunate not to have another child who is strong-willed…we begin to believe that all is right with the world. Or is it? Some children come out of the womb holding doves. Nobody really knows for certain why, but these kids are wired to please others. In fact, they even want to please us when our skills hit the skids. Am I the only one whose skills ever go down hill? Here's the problem:

Easy-going kids act out just as much as strong willed kids. They just do it on the inside…or put it off until they're young adults. In my work as a therapist, my office was filled with nice kids whose inner lives were in turmoil. Since they didn't want to offend their parents, they simply suffered with anxiety, self-doubt, and depression. Our world is also filled with young adults who were so sweet as kids that they never learned to think for themselves. Oftentimes, these young people have mid-life crises at 20. In Jim Fay's CD, [|//__Four Steps to Responsibility,__//] he teaches a process for helping kids develop good thinking skills and self-esteem. Key to this process is encouraging them to make decisions, allowing them to make small mistakes and letting them see that they have what it takes to succeed. If you can get your easy-going kids to make at least one small mistake this week, my mission in writing this tip has been accomplished. Thanks for reading! Dr. Charles Fay

October 14, 2009

For many families, parenting has become an F-4 tornado, characterized by a frenzied whirlwind of activity. This is not good for kids…or anybody else! Much of this chaos has evolved out of the misguided belief that children must be entertained or "stimulated" each and every millisecond of each and every day. While pop psychologists may think this is wise, the rest of us ought to know better. Kids who never have an opportunity to rest, relax and get a bit bored, come to believe that life and relationships should always be exciting and fun. They also miss opportunities to develop creativity and problem-solving skills. If you answer "yes" to any of the following statements, you and your kids probably suffer from OSD: You're completely worn out from trying to help your kids participate in all of your activities Your kids appear anxious, irritable, stressed, exhausted or hyperactive Your kids don't have enough time to contribute to the family by doing their chores Your kids complain about being bored any time they aren't being entertained Although there's no medicinal cure for OSD, we can protect our families by giving ourselves permission to say "no" to too many activities. My personal advice as someone who's experienced this debilitating disorder is to trust your gut.

If you have any sense that your kids are overscheduled, trust your intuition. Also be prepared to repeat, "I love you too much to argue" when your kids complain about being bored. In our book [|//__Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Leave You Speechless,__//] we give specific tips for kids who are going through withdrawal from the drug of over-activity. Thanks for reading! Dr. Charles Fay

September 2, 2009

"No" seems to be the most dreaded word in the English language. Kids hate to hear it almost as much as adults! There's nothing that starts a fight faster than the simple sound of this teeny, tiny two-letter word. The world is full of "No's." That's why preparing kids for the real world requires that we deny their requests from time to time. But how do we say "No" without finding ourselves in constant battles? By saying "Yes" to something else! Instead of: //No, I'm not taking you until your chores are done.// Try: Sure! //I will take you when your chores are done.// Rather than: //No. I am not paying $200 for a pair of sneakers.// Experiment with: //I want you to have those. The ones I was planning on buying cost $25. I'll provide that amount.// Instead of: //No. You are not watching rated R movies.// Try: //Renting a movie is a great idea. Find a G rated one, and we'll pop some popcorn tonight.// Give this little tip a try…and enjoy fewer battles with your kids! Thanks for reading! Dr. Charles Fay

May 19, 2009

What's the biggest parenting challenge for you? If you're like many parents, it's keeping your cool when your kids are getting on your last nerve! Why is it so important to at least //look// calm and collected as we provide consequences for our children's misbehavior? Because… Anger creates resentment and rebellion. Empathy ups the odds of genuine remorse and responsibility. Anger says, "I can barely handle you!" Empathy communicates, "I'm such a great parent that I can handle you without breaking a sweat!" Anger creates kids who get sneaky and do irresponsible things behind our backs. Empathy creates kids who are more likely to behave even when we aren't watching them. This winter we developed a special CD, [|//__Keeping Cool When Parenting Heats Up.__//] This audio contains plenty of practical strategies for staying calm in tough situations. One involves giving yourself permission to discipline your children without using reminders or repeated warnings. When parents get into the unhealthy habit of nagging and repeating themselves, their anger builds inside. By the time they finally follow through, they're too angry to think straight! Wiser parents set limits and follow through quickly…without using too many words. Because problems are dealt with in their early stages, the parent remains calmer…and their kids learn that it's not okay to perform "water torture" by constantly repeating the same frustrating behaviors. Because of great demand, we've made this product available for purchase as a downloadable audio. There's no need to wait for delivery, and there's no need to pay any shipping charges.

Thanks for reading! Dr. Charles Fay

Feb. 25, 2009 When you get home from a long day at work, do you want to be pummeled with questions about your day? Most of us don't and our kids don't either. Here, Jim Fay (author of Love & Logic) shares a different technique you can use when you get home. Try it tonight!

Getting Kids to Talk About Their Day

Conversation between a parent and child: "Hi, Jamie. How was your day?" "Okay." "How was school?" "Fine." "What did you do today at school?" "Nothing." "Well, you must have done something." "Just regular stuff." "How was your lunch?" "I don't know. Okay, I guess." Does this sound familiar? Would you like your kids to be just a little more talkative? Experiment with this: Dr. Charles Fay calls this the "30 Minute Rule." It's based upon the fact that kids watch our every move, copying us in their subconscious drive to learn how to be big. For the next 2 months, avoid the temptations to ask questions of your kids during the first 30 minutes after they come home. Instead, talk with excitement or enthusiasm about your own day instead. Examples: "It's good to see you. Guess what I got to do today… And not only that, I learned…and I heard…and I couldn't wait to tell you about it. I hope you had a great day." One of these days you'll get a surprise; it will sound like, "But Mom. I've got to tell you what happened today." By the way, this works great with spouses. Thanks for reading, Jim Fay

Feb. 18, 2009

Children with Learning Disabilities: What Can Parents Do?

Growing up with significant learning difficulties, I can personally attest to the grief these challenges can create for both parents and their kids. Possibly the biggest difficulty involves helping your child avoid getting so discouraged that they give up on academics…and their relationship with you. Fortunately, my parents… Focused heavily on my strengths, allowing me to see that I could be successful at something. For me, these were mechanical sorts of things and baseball. Stopped spending every evening trying to lecture, threaten, or bribe academic information into my unwilling head. Replaced this fighting time with loving time, where they showed that they valued me even though I wasn't good in school. Kept saying, "When things get hard, recharge your batteries by doing something that you love. Then give it another try." In our __ "Schoolwork and Homework Package," __ we elaborate on each of these strategies, as well as many more. The most important theme involves helping your child learn to feel so good about their strengths that they'll have the energy and courage to keep working on their weaknesses. Thanks for reading! Dr. Charles Fay

Dec. 10, 2008

Give Your Kids an Emotional Insurance Policy

The most fortunate folks on Earth have a strong voice in their hearts, reminding them that they have what it takes to make it through the tough times. Because they possess this "emotional insurance policy" they face life with optimism instead of anxiety. They understand that the resources they have inside can never be taken away…and will always be at their fingertips when needed. One of the ways we give our kids this security is by giving them as many life skills as possible. In days gone by, most children learned these skills by being heavily involved in the family economy. They learned how to unplug pipes, nail nails, screw screws, cure leaking toilets, cook meals, clean clothes, and wash dishes by helping their parents. In today's world, I find it quite sad: the vast number of bright young adults who know nothing about changing a tire, operating a washing machine, getting themselves unstuck from a snow bank, or using a phone book. People who lack these basic skills live lives completely dependent upon others…and lives full of anxiety. "What will I do if things go bad?" they wonder. "Who will take care of me?" In my new book, //__ Parenting Kids to Become What Employers Really Want…And America Desperately Needs __//, I share a variety of ways to give kids the gift of self-reliance. The first step involves making certain that they are learning along with you as you face life's daily challenges.

Thanks for reading! Dr. Charles Fay

Dec. 3, 2008

The Gift of Giving

While at the bank a mother overheard the manager talking about a project his staff was involved in. They were collecting gifts for children in the community who, without their help, would not receive anything. So far they were not doing too well. The mother asked what she could do to help. At dinner she told her family about the project. With pure excitement her kids said that since they had outgrown their bikes, and were hoping for new ones from Santa, they could give their old bikes to these children. That weekend the kids spent hours cleaning their bikes. By the time they were done, those bikes sparkled. They delivered the bikes Monday and the look of pure joy on her children's faces made Mom's heart swell. That day they gave her a gift, too: the knowledge that she was raising kids who cared. The holidays are a good time to remind your kids that character is more about giving than receiving. Thanks for reading! Jim Fay

Nov. 12, 2008

Divorce: Helping Your Kids Cope

If you've ever gone through a divorce, you certainly don't need anyone to tell you how painful and confusing it can be! Although I'm certainly not proud to admit it, I've been there. After years of reflection on my own experience, as well as work with many other families navigating this pain, I humbly offer four small tips for helping kids cope: For more tips on helping kids cope with grief of all types, listen to "Grief, Trauma, Loss: Helping Kids Cope," by Foster W. Cline, M.D. Thanks for reading! Dr. Charles Fay
 * Remember that they need to feel free to love both of you.
 * During the pain of a divorce, it's awfully tempting to talk negatively about one's ex. It's also very easy to send a variety of powerful nonverbal messages that indicate to your kids that they will be disloyal to you for loving the other parent. The damage this does to children is immense and long-term.
 * Understand that the healthier you grieve, the healthier they will.
 * Parents who get stuck in anger inevitably act in ways that alienate their children from the other parent…and from themselves. Parents who work through their grief with help from friends, family, faith family members and professionals are far less likely to fall into this trap.
 * Resist the urge to parent through guilt.
 * Wise parents keep the end goal in sight. This goal—to create respectful and responsible adults—helps them remain firm even when their kids say things like, "But Dad lets me!"
 * Listen, listen, listen…and empathize.
 * Our kids need to know that it's okay and very natural to be upset about the entire ordeal…as long as they are not acting in disrespectful or irresponsible ways.

Oct. 29, 2008

Don't Let Your Kids Play Divide and Conquer

Since the beginning of time, kids have devoted themselves to the creative testing of parental limits. I suppose it's our job to set the limits, and it's their job to take them for a test drive. If they rev their motors, and our boundaries come crashing down, we're in big trouble…and so are they! One common way they test our parental fortitude is by pitting us against each other. In families where there is marital tension, divorce, or remarriage, this type of testing can reach epic proportions. Maybe you've heard one of the following: Dad lets me! Mom said I could. Dad never listens. He's mean. Mom yelled at us! Why do you make me do that? Mom doesn't. Not fair. I'm telling Dad! Resisting the urge to rescue your kids from the "mean" parent is critical! So is avoiding the trap of arguing with them about how you are right and the other parent is wrong. Wise parents stick to their limits and repeat with loving humor:

Thanks for letting me know about that. Aren't you lucky to have parents who are different from each other? Kids don't need parents who are clones of each other. They do need parents who respect and support each other even when they don't agree about everything. Dr. Charles Fay

Oct. 23, 2008 Finishing the Race…and Enjoying It at the Same Time

Have you ever met a "sprinter parent"? Like athletes competing for the gold in a fifty-yard dash, they throw every erg of their energy into trying to deal with each instance of misbehavior. Determined to raise great kids, they spend almost every moment trying to correct their youngsters' behavior. Here's the problem: Parenting is a marathon…not a 50-yard dash! Those who start the journey as sprinters quickly run out of energy, get frustrated, and view parenting as painful. "Marathon parents" know how to pick their battles. Because they know that parenting is a life-long task, they ask the following questions when they deal with misbehavior: Is this behavior dangerous in any way? If my child continued to do this for his entire life, would it //really// be a problem? Is this behavior a chronic problem? Is this a battle I can win right now without first getting support or ideas from others? If the answer to these questions is "No," wise parents give themselves permission to rest, relax and reflect. By doing so, they preserve the energy needed to address problems with definite "Yes" answers. In our fun little book, //Love and Logicisms,// we provide 100 short parenting truths that help us determine the difference between the battles that must be won and those that don't need to be. Knowing the difference gives us the wisdom to finish the race…and enjoy it at the same time. Thanks for reading! Dr. Charles Fay

Dear Families, Last week, Jim Fay explained the importance of each family member doing their fair share of work around the house. This week, he shares an idea of how your kids can help. For more on this, visit [|www.LoveandLogic.com]. Have a great week!

<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 110%;">MAKE THEM PART OF THE FAMILY

<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 110%;">I last wrote about the importance of kids contributing to the workload of the family. One of our basic human needs is to be needed and to be a part of a family. When children live their lives as guests in a four star hotel instead of as a contributing member of a family, this basic need is denied. The usual result is for them to feel increasingly resentful without knowing why. <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 110%;">One way to help a child feel needed, important, and valued in the family is to put him/her in charge of one family meal per week. This means planning, cooking, serving, and cleaning up. Most kids are capable of doing this by the time they are eight years old. <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 110%;">Of course the quality of the food will suffer temporarily while they are in training mode. But this changes dramatically as they learn and become excited about being able to cook. <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 110%;">Many parents report to us that their kids resist at first, but soon think that they enjoy cooking. In many cases, what the kids enjoy and don't recognize are the wonderful feelings of being valued. <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 110%;">Thanks for reading! <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 110%;">Jim Fay <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 110%;">P.S. You can learn more about involving kids in the family workload in Pearl #7 in the book, "Parenting With Love and Logic."

<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">Sweet Aunt Sara

<span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">Sweet Aunt Sara has reached an advanced age. She is now so feeble that she can't take care of herself. You bring her into your home with the intention of making her remaining years comfortable. Since she is not strong enough to help out around the house, and knows that, you tell her that she no longer needs to help. You will take care of her every need. <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">Wouldn't you think that she'd be so appreciative that she'd become sweeter and sweeter by the day? Not so. You and I both know this is not what happens. In turn, she becomes increasingly difficult to live with. Why is this? <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">This phenomenon is known as hostile dependency. Embedded in the human soul is the drive to be independent. It is common to hate the feeling of dependency and quickly transfer the blame to those who make us feel dependent. Their good intentions are soon forgotten, as anger sets in. <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">This situation is often seen in kids who live like honored guests in the home; those whose parents don't expect them to do their fair share of the work around the house; those parents who treat their kids just as we are treating sweet Aunt Sara. <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">Do your kids and yourself a favor. Expect every member of the family to share in the workload. <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">Thanks for reading! <span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">Jim Fay